|Mille Plateaux 81 Asuka 2|
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サイレント ノイズ ・アスカ
When I faced my unknown edge, I faced a deep pressure feeling in my chest:
pain, cannot breathe, cannot speak, need to cry. It was going on for more than a week already.
I definitely didn't wan't to deal with it.. I felt so annoyed when you proposed edge work exercises.
It was so bad, I couldn't figure out what it was or why is this was happening to me.
I thought, if it's just anguish, it will pass, then it's no use to do anything about it, otherwise I'll just feed it...
and I don't want to make things worse..
However, with all the aversion I had, I slowly followed your propositions..
Suddently, I realised it was me pressing me : My self was struggling and oppressing me.
I watched and asked silently: ¨ Why are you doing this to me? Why do you want to kill me ? ¨
It answered that we were having a war, and I was divided because of paradoxe.
I wanted one thing and its opposite, to be one thing and the opposite,
so the other me was embodying my opposite.
Because I had been suppressing it, also it was suppressing me.
But I realised..
we cannot live without each other. Whatever happens, we must continue to live together
Me and my opposite,
We must take care of each other, otherwise no one can live,
it is a matter of surviving.
Together, reunited, we can be All.
Everything that seems outside, isn't separate.
We are One.
Everytime I deny something, hate, or suppress something,
I am denying a part of the whole.
Each time I forgive and reconcile myself with something that seems outside of me,
I forgive and reconcile myself with a part of me..
and now, this is my work..
In order to survive..
To recognise everything as oneness..
Not to dissociate myself with what is around..
this is also how I am erased..
There is no such thing as individuation.
Most of all, to find Balance, because Balance is a universal law..
And to be able to see with the eyes of the opposite is
the key to finding Balance.
This drawing emerged then.
The white human as myself as I consciously know myself,
all that seems stable,material, that I perceive as reality,
all that I accept as a world, self image, identity..
The dark human as my unconscious side,
all that is unstable, immaterial, unknown world,
all unaccepted aspects or repressed self,
Inspired by the ying and yang symbol of balance,
I found out a way to move beyond the edge of the moment,
I traded eyes with my opposite,
saw myself, erased my mind,
understood, and let go..
This was perhaps the biggest freeing feeling of my life...
I wish to apply it all along.
Thank you Lee, for pushing us to face our
A part of my afterthought is a secret now, that I cannot share.
Another is a quite important realisation, that I missed the point of the experiment; because I failed, in a way, to dance my deepest teaching of this semester.
My mind wanted to go way too crazy for me the past weeks, restless nights of dreaming I was running about, through amazing adventures, trying to escape strange worlds with a group of people. Out of school, I escaped my mind by working with my hands, spending a lot of time making things, costumes, props, etc..
I wasn't ready, couldn't figure out what I was going to dance, feeling I had nothing. I wanted to dance the constellation of the moment, just simply dance anything.. but at the same time, I was trying so hard to make some integrating solo of all the subbodies I encountered, cutting and pasting, to create some kind of virtual constellation..
Until the last minute, pulled between this and that, I eventually got extenuated.
Now I know I wasted too much energy, I was very tense. I should have meditated, conditionned and calmed down more, more. The fact is that constellations might continuously change, at this stage of my life... and in the end, don't we always end up dancing the true moment anyways ?
Somehow, this time, I couldn't sink as deep as possible throughout the whole experiment.
I am happy about the cobody experience, even though it didn't totally work at all.
It is quite funny, looking back, but on many occasions, I had to face inner rising frustration or find a new way out.
It seemed to reflect my whole life story.. projecting visions of what I expect to happen and then it happens, or not at all, and that's when life needs to create a new way, another way out.
Anyways, the journey continues, the hardest is still to apply what I learnt, to break my bad habits. I will continue as my life decides....
thank you Lee
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